


Eternal Snow

by ElopeToTheSea



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Best Friends, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Letters, Multi, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Secret Relationship, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Touka Needs Therapy, jk maybe a bit of comfort, no ghouls but everyone still suffers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-02 10:36:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12724989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElopeToTheSea/pseuds/ElopeToTheSea
Summary: [ Take Care Touka ]Three words messily written on a suicide note was the only thing that Kaneki had left Touka. Three words. As if that were everything needed to make things right. To make Touka believe Kaneki had just vanished from this world. Without another word. Without a proper goodbye.No. This had to be a mistake.« There are some things that are better kept a secret, » everyone said.Even if she had to tear the world down, she would find out why Kaneki had left her.[ To: Hide ]And the letter to this mysterious person was the only lead she had.





	1. Addressee

Touka stared at the piece of paper in her hands. It was torn from the edges and smudges covered the center. Folded once, twice, probably too many to count, the wrinkles were obvious all over. If she squinted just enough, she could see the marks of words, thousands of words that were written and then erased, and she was now unable to read them at all. Instead, the only three legible words were scribbled in at the top. In messy handwriting, and so small they were easily missed.

[ Take care, Touka ]

Was all that was written.

“What the hell…” she managed to say before her vision got blurry. Something inside her bubbled up. Anger sizzled in her head, seeing red at the three despicable words that were in the paper. “Kaneki, what the hell!?”

She held the paper, in her hands, ready to tear it in half. But she couldn’t. Her fingers were trembling, and the hiccups kept her from doing it.

“What the hell…” she repeated, unsure of what to do. She sat there, in the middle of the room, a stupid letter in her hands, staring at the ceiling.

She raised her fist. It slammed against the wall, and with a hoarse voice she yelled: “fuck you!”

Her mind went blank, and her vision red. The inside of her body, from the stomach to the tip of her tongue, went hot. Mouth filled with a bitter taste, and energy buzzing all over her body.

She let out another scream and took the closest thing in her hands -a pencil case- and threw it to the wall. It exploded, in pens and liquid paper. It didn’t help calm her down, so she took a bag. Then the coffee cups. The deodorant. The boxes. The cases. Notebooks. Alarm clocks. Bottles of water. Medicine. She began throwing whatever fell into her hands.

Desperation grew stronger, her visions completely gone. She opened drawers, throwing clothes, papers, anything. She punched the wall, kicked the door, began trashing and yelling until her throat began closing with anger. She wanted to rip everything to shreds. Cause the same pain to the world as she felt it.

She wanted to burn down the world, so they would give him back.

Finally, she reached for the bookshelf. Without hesitating, she threw it to the floor. A loud crash was heard, but it was muffled by the constant screaming of her brother’s name. Taking the books, she threw them into the wall. Millions of pages exploded into the air, as she continued to punch pillows, and tear apart the seams of the clothes he had once worn.

She screamed she punched, she kicked until she ran out of breath. Until her ragged hiccups became full-on sobs, and she dropped to her knees, unsure of what to do. What to say. How to react.

Resting her head against a wall, she felt the tears stain her cheeks. She wasn’t sure just when she had started crying, everything felt like a blur. Right now, she just wanted to rest.

Yet she couldn’t.

She could just stare at the ceiling, feeling way too tired to react, but too awake to sleep. She stared, as the pages from different books flew through the dense air of the room until her own body decided to react.

She sat there, in complete silence, until she choked back another sob. Her hands reached to her face, hiding her sobs, just then realizing what she had done.

It was Kaneki’s favorite book.

It was her favorite book.

“No…” she whispered, the weight of the guilt hit her suddenly. It began from her chest until it reached her fingertips and the back of her head. When it reached her eyes, they began spilling enormous amounts of tears, until she couldn’t move. “No, no, no.”

Forcing herself to move, she crawled towards the book she had torn apart. It was a vibrant color red. Shining like a fireplace in the middle of a black unlit room.

Touka managed to swallow the knot in her throat, as she stared at the broken book.

“What did I do to you?” she asked, reaching for it with trembling hands. It was cold against her fingertips and, for some reason, smaller than she remembered it. She reached for all the pages that were scattered on the floor, glad that her mind was finally concentrated on something else.

“Don’t worry,” she murmured, holding the pages and the book in her arms. “I’ll fix you,” she promised.

She wiped away the tears and snot that covered her face with the hem of her sweater, which was gross from the amount of times she had cried in it, and sat down to go through the pages.

One by one, she recognized them. A collection of stories by Hans Christian Anderson. It was Touka’s favorite book when she was younger. Not because she particularly liked them, but because Kaneki would read them to her every night. They would sit under a fort of blankets, while their parents screamed from the other side of the door, and he would read. Read until she fell asleep, and then…

She traced down the letters from ‘The Little Mermaid’ story. She always called her stupid, but Kaneki actually liked it. She always wondered why. It was a sad stupid story about a girl who gave up everything for a man. Kaneki used to say she was ‘too passionate and kind-hearted for her own good’. Touka called her ‘naïve’.

She clutched the page, in anger, before letting it go, scared she could harm the book further. With sad eyes, she stared at the rest of the book.

She turned the pages, wanting to see what the rest of the stories were about. She laughed at certain stories, remembering them all too well, and she grimaced at others. Tragedies were tragedies, sad ends for good people. No.

Sad ends for foolish people. 

With a sigh, she turned to the final page and froze.

There, in the middle of the page, was a single letter.

Folded neatly, in an envelope, and with a sticker to decorate the front part. It was so different from the one she had gotten. One that was crumbled, and bloodstained. Kaneki had been holding it when he had…

She took the letter, carefully, too scared that like a feather, it would disappear if she held it too tight. Slowly, she turned it around, hoping to find her name. Hoping to find another reason for his brother to jump off a building, a reason for him to…

[ To: Hide ]

She stared.

“Who’s Hide?” she asked herself. She bit her lip, trying to stop the tears from rushing down her face. Who was this person?

“Touka,” the name spilling from a voice she knew all too well drove her to hide the letter behind her back.

She stood back up and turned to see the door, where a woman was standing. Her nasty looking nails and her horrible hair made Touka want to puke at its sight.

“What do you want?” she asked, her voice a little higher than the one she’d normally use. The woman looked at her with scorn present in her dilated eyes.

“What are you doing in this dumpster?” she asked. Touka bit down her lip, as the woman got nearer. “Get out there and-”

“Don’t come inside!” she shouted, backing down into the room even more. Touka could feel her own eyes bloodshot trying to dig daggers into the old skin of the woman. This time, she couldn’t pretend to be nice. “Don’t you dare come inside, Auntie…”

She spat the words ‘auntie’ like venom, with hatred. Like for so many years, she wished to do.

The woman stopped just before stepping in.

“Suit yourself,” she said, turning her back to Touka. “You both kids were nothing more than a pain in the eye. At least one of you is gone.”

Touka nails dug into her skin, drawing out blood. The back of that woman she was forced to call aunt brought nothing more than bile rising up her throat.

“Bitch,” she said under her breath once she was out of sight. She was tired of being that woman’s puppet, and the sooner she could get out of her damn house, the better.

Her gaze fell on the letter she was holding in her right hand. It was pure white and perfect. What did it say?

‘It would be easy,’ she told herself. ‘To just open it. To know what Kaneki wanted to say this person. Figure it out on my own…’

But Touka knew better. This person…This Hide…They must have meant a lot to Kaneki, and they deserved to have this letter delivered.

Her scarf was still lying on the bed. It was cold and made like any other day that Touka would come by to say hi. She traced her finger down the soft sheets and felt her throat swell up.

‘No,’ she told herself, grabbing the scarf from the bed. ‘You can’t cry anymore. You can’t mourn. There’s a reason why Kaneki did it…There must be a reason.’

And she would find it.

She didn’t know a thing about her brother. She didn’t know him like she wanted to but…

But maybe this person…Hide, would know.

She hoped they knew. There was no way she could just accept Kaneki was gone with no explanation. There needed to be a reason. And if no one could give her the answer, she would go out and find it for herself.

Her eyes wandered into the room once again. Everything was a mess, and she felt guilty.

It was like back in those days…

* * *

_‘I want to play!’ Touka said to her older brother, as she jumped up and down his bed. ‘Kaneki, I want to play!’_

_They were kids, they were naive. Touka ten, Kaneki thirteen._

_‘Touka, please,’ he begged, as he kneeled in the bed, next to her. He was wearing those vests he always wore, and hand me down clothes. They looked lame on him, but Touka wouldn’t have it another way. ‘We’ll play tomorrow, I promise.’_

_‘But I don’t want to go to bed yet!’ she said, holding his hand in hers._

_‘Well, you can stay a few more minutes up-’ Touka’s eyes lit up. ‘-but we can’t play.’_

_‘Why?’ she asked, frowning._

_‘Because…’ Kaneki’s eyes wandered across the room until they landed on his blanket. He grinned and took it in his hands. ‘The big bad witch will come and get you!’_

_‘That’s a lie!’ she said, laughing. Kaneki shushed her, and she shushed him back. They both laughed._

_‘How about I tell you the story of a big bad witch that locked up a pretty girl in a tower, and didn’t let her go?’ he asked, and draped the blanket on her shoulders._

_‘No way,’ Touka complained, but still nuzzled her head against the blanket. It was warm and smelled like her brother, which made everything better. ‘Your stories always have a bad ending.’_

_‘Well, this one doesn’t, you know why?’ Kaneki asked, dropping next to Touka on the bed._

_‘Why?’ she asked and curled up beside him._

_‘Because this one is your story Touka,’ he said and smiled. ‘Your stories will definitely have a happy ending.’_

_Touka laughed and ignored the complete mess she had left in her brother’s room. In the morning, Kaneki would clean up before she woke up, and let her play with his toys again. Even if it meant a disaster right before bed._

* * *

“What kind of happy ending is this?” Touka asked herself, staring down at her own letter. The air outside the old coffee shop Kaneki used to work in, was bone freezing. She shivered as the wind hit her straight into the nose, and hurried to the door.

The inside of the coffee shop was warm. It smelled like freshly grounded coffee beans and cookies. She was used to the cheerful and warm atmosphere that radiated the place. A beautifully lit store, with precious things decorating the walls, but-

“Hello, Touka,” a voice called.

“Yoshimura-san,” Touka greeted back. The man was not smiling, as he usually was. It was probably her fault. “Nice to see you.”

“Nice to see you too, little one,” he said, forcing himself to smile. “What brings you to Anteiku today?”

‘Coffee,’ she wanted to joke. But knew better not to.

“I’m not guessing you come here for the coffee,” Yoshimura commented. Touka smiled.

“Your coffee is delicious,” she said but looked down to the floor. It was true but-… “I-I actually have a question about my brother.”

She heard Yoshimura sigh, and a small chuckle escaped him.

“You must miss him,” he said and turned to walk further inside of the store. Touka took the cue to follow him.

Touka couldn’t bring herself to answer.

“I know it’s hard,” he said, standing behind the counter. Touka climbed up the nearest stool, her head down. The smell of black coffee hit her nose. When she looked up again, Yoshimura was handing her the coffee this time.

“I don’t have-” she began saying. She had no money. No way to repay him. 

“This time is my share,” Yoshimura said, wiping away the table. “I know Kaneki used to sneak you some coffee when you came here.”

Touka fought back the tears and reached for the cup.

It was scalding hot, and the tip of her fingers turned red when she touched it.

“Kaneki always messed up the coffee,” she said and took a sip from the cup. It was hot, but her whole body felt cold like ice. It was a nice thing to drink.

The aroma of coffee and the flavor filled her immediately. It was delicious.

She set down the cup.

It was delicious but…

She would give anything to have a taste of her brother’s watered down, and lame coffee again. It never woke her up, it never tasted good, but Kaneki would be with her until she finished it. Yoshimura was kind enough to let them stay if there were not many customers.

“He did,” Yoshimura said again. “What did you want to talk about, Touka?”

“My brother-,” she began, reaching for the purse where she carried the neatly folded letter, “-left this for someone called Hide. I was wondering if you had any clue of who this is?”

“Letter?” Yoshimura asked. “He asked you to deliver it?”

“No. It was hidden in his favorite book,” she said, looking down to the letter. The sticker on the front part was a small red dot. 

“Oh…” Yoshimura said, staring at the letter, “then why do you want to deliver it?”

Touka knew what Yoshimura was trying to do. He was trying to ask about her, without her noticing. She frowned, slightly angry that someone wanted to pry her open, but too tired to actually put a fight.

“This person means a lot to my brother,” she continued to stare at the letter as if hoping that staring would make everything turn back in time. “Maybe he knows…why he did it…”

“That’s a dangerous thing to search for,” Yoshimura answered, raising an eyebrow.

“What am I supposed to do then?” Touka asked. The anger began boiling in her veins again. She knew better not to lash out at Yoshimura, though. “Wait here an accept that my brother just, one day, decided to jump off a building and die?”

Tears rolled down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure if they were angry tears or sad tears. She didn’t care either. She wiped them away, hoping she could still look as brave as she wanted.

The silence fell in the room, as Touka tried to regain a domain of her emotions.

With a deep sigh, Yoshimura continued, “some questions, are better left unanswered. I suggest you treasure the memories you have with your brother, instead of trying to unfold his secrets.”

“I don’t know a thing about my brother,” Touka replied.

“Maybe that’s what he wanted,” Yoshimura answered.

“Well, that’s not what I wanted!” Touka raised her voice, slamming the table. “I wanted to know Kaneki! I wanted to live with him! To understand him! But he’s always been a selfish asshole who only thinks of himself! What about me!? Didn’t he think of me before jumping? Of how scared I would be? Of how he was leaving me all alone with those monsters?! I need to search for answers because he never gave them to me!”

The anger began dying after a while. Shame and guilt overtook her, as she realized what she had said. She covered her face, in hopes it would make her forget.

Yoshimura wiped away the table. Some of her coffee had spilled into the table, after all.

“I don’t know who he might be,” Yoshimura finally said. Touka felt her body sink. “But maybe Nishio knows. He went to the same university as your brother. He came here with his girlfriend once. He seemed to know your brother better than I do.”

“Thank you,” she managed to say.

“Finish your coffee, Touka,” he said and left.

Touka stared at the coffee and imagined her brother standing in from of her.

She felt nausea at the idea of finishing a cup of coffee when Kaneki wasn’t there to make her laugh and make the world feel better.

Out of politeness, she drank it in a sip, leaving barely a few drops in there. She draped her scarf around her neck and tugged.

“Brother,” she murmured and rested her head on the counter.

* * *

_‘So this is where you’re working…’ Touka mused out loud, stepping inside of the coffee shop._

_Kaneki turned around from the counter and smiled. He was wearing Anteiku’s uniform. It fitted him. It looked nice and made him look like an actual waiter. Touka felt a bit self-conscious of the clothes she was wearing._

_‘Touka!’ he called her name cheerfully, rushing to hug her. Despite herself, Touka let him hug her. It had been a while since he had last seen him. ‘What are you doing here?’_

_‘This place is near my piano lessons,’ she said, shrugging._

_‘Really?’ Kaneki questioned in turn and took her to the counter, where he began wiping it clean. ‘Didn’t you say you were taking lessons from the old lady by the main plaza?’_

_‘Wha-…How did you know that?’ Touka asked, hiding her face in her scarf._

_‘You told me over the phone,’ Kaneki said and laughed. Touka punched him lightly on the arm. ‘Ouch.’_

_‘That didn’t hurt,’ she pointed out. She looked down at her hands. ‘I thought you weren’t listening.’_

_‘I’m always listening to you,’ Kaneki answered. His eyes were closed as he finished wiping a cup clean._

_‘Liar,’ Touka said under her breath._

_‘Not,’ he returned and placed a small slice of cake in front of her. ‘You haven’t eaten.’_

_It wasn’t a question._

_‘Yoriko gave me part of her lunch,’ Touka replied._

_‘-and you turned it down,’ without looking up from the plate, Kaneki answered. ‘You’ll get sick if you don’t eat.’_

_‘I don’t have money,’ she answered, trying to push it away._

_‘_ It’s on _the house,’ Kaneki said, pushing it back to her._

_‘Listen-’ she tried to say but found the words stuck in her throat._

_‘Touka,’ Kaneki said again. His voice was soft and small. Begging her, and it made her heartbreak. He gave her puppy eyes. ‘I don’t know what I’d do if you got sick.’_

_She wanted to get angry, to hate him. He was using that tone, and those eyes she couldn’t refuse. He wasn’t aware of it, obviously, but it only made her even angrier._

_‘Fine,’ she said, letting out an exasperated sigh. She took the fork and began eating. ‘But only so you’ll stop that stupid face. It’s annoying.’_

_‘I’m sorry,’ he apologized, with a smile._

_‘Don’t apologize, idiot,’ she answered._

_Before she knew it, there was also a cup of coffee beside her._

_She took a sip and grimaced, ‘it tastes awful.’_

_The cake was good though._

_Kaneki was always really good at baking._

_‘I guessed so,’ he said with a laugh. ‘Should I give you another one?’_

_‘No, back off. It’s my coffee,’ she said, taking another sip._

_It was really bad._

_But it was the coffee that Kaneki had made for her. So, it tasted slightly better._

_Kaneki laughed at her, and she felt like a Queen._

* * *

“I’m searching for a man called Nishio,” Touka spoke to the girl standing in front of her. “It’s important,” she added.

The girl stared at her, and Touka couldn’t get particularly mad at it. Here she was a high schooler on university’s ground. Granted, she was in her last year, but the uniform gave her away. It wasn’t a normal sight.

But even if they stared at her weirdly, she wasn’t going to back down. After almost a week, she had finally gathered the courage to come here and ask for information about her brother. She gripped the book in her hands tightly, feeling her throat close up at the memory of Kaneki.

No matter how much time it passed, the lump in her throat wouldn’t go down.

Maybe it would never go down.

“And you are?” the girl asked, raising an eyebrow, a pointed look directed towards Touka. The way she looked at Touka made her skin crawl.

“Kaneki,” she said, in a low voice. “…Kaneki Touka.”

The girls looked at her with curiosity, the name obviously rang a bell in their heads. Touka spoke again, “My brother was Kaneki Ken. He studied here.”

The startled looks on the girl's faces brought a small piece of delight in Touka if only a bit. The other part was boiling in anger for them daring to forget her brother.

“Nishio,” she repeated, snapping them out of their startled daze. Touka glared at them. “I need to speak to him. About my brother.”

The girls exchanged glances and hesitantly pointed towards a door.

“Thanks,” Touka said, not really feeling thankful. The exchanged was more unpleasant than helpful.

She walked down the halls, feeling the sun hitting her face from the windows that lead to the field. The book heavy in her hands, as she felt anxiety rise up her skin. Not because of whoever was on the other side of the door down the hall, but because this person knew something about her brother.

He knew something.

And maybe that something was the reason why his brother died.

She stared at the oak door, with a silent plead. A plead for him to know something. To find a lead.

She raised her fist and knocked three times.

No one answered.

She knocked again.

No one answered.

She reached for the knob and turned it.

It was opened.

She stepped in.

“Nishio!” the whine came from the inside, as Touka closed the door behind her. “Come on, you promised you’d take me to dinner.”

“Just a second, let me just finish-…” the man began talking but stopped when Touka caught his glance. “…-this…”

“Please,” the woman beside him kept talking, but the other ignored her.

Both of their gazes fell into Touka, and she felt a surge of uneasiness at this.

“Nishio-san?” she asked, her eyes piercing the man. He seemed startled to see him.

“Yes?” the man asked.

“I would like to speak to you,” she said and gave the other man a disdainful look. “In private.”

“And why should I do that?” the man asked.

Touka shot him a glare that could send shivers to the dead.

“It’s important,” she simply said.

“Kimi,” Nishio said, and the woman nodded, walking away. Once the sound of closing the door was heard, Touka spoke again.

“I’m aware you are-…were acquaintances with my brother,” Touka spoke, holding closely the book in her arms. “I’m here to discuss just the amount of information you knew about him.”

“Your brother?” Nishio asked.

Touka sighed.

“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself,” she said, her eyes focused on the man before her. “My name is Kaneki Touka. Kaneki Ken was my brother. He committed suicide exactly a week ago, and no one has been able to determine why.”

Standing proud, and not backing down, she looked at the man. He seemed to pale under her gaze, and she just hummed at this.

The wind blew through the window and while it was cold, it wasn't enough to make her flinch. The light of the setting sun hit her in the back of the head, creating a shadow over the man in front of her.

With her voice, loud and clear, resonating across the empty room, she spoke, “I will determine why, ” Her eyes were hard, as she refused to back down. “Your assistance would be of much help.”

“Not sure of how much help I could be,” he said, eyes falling on her book. “The guy was nothing more than a classmate and waiter in my favorite café.”

“But you knew him,” she said, taking a step forward. Her insides were boiling, at the prospect of her only lead to disappear in between her fingertips. “Something, anything. You must know.”

“I knew him, but,” Nishio said. “We weren’t friends. I could probably tell you a thing or two, but not much.”

“Anything at all helps,” Touka said, her eyes dropping to the floor. Her finger trembled, as she considered the idea of everything vanishing into the thin air. Not a clue of why not a clue if Kaneki actually cared.

Nishio sighed. 

 “Okay, how could I help you?” Nishio asked, looking around the office.

“I’m searching for a man,” she said and opened the book.

She had fixed it, or at least she had tried. The pages were held by a bit of glue, it felt fragile against her hands. She had been the one to tear it apart, after all. Turning the pages until the letter inside was shown. Her hands fell carefully on it, too scared she was the kind of monster to destroy that too.

“I only know him as ‘Hide’,” she said, showing the letter. “I’m guessing he was important to my brother.”

“Hide?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t know a person who goes by that name, except-”

 “Nishio-senpai!” a voice called from behind her.

“Nagachika, please,” Nishio said, with a sigh.

“Oh, who could you be, beautiful young lady?” the boy said.

Touka frowned and decided against answering. The blond man was smiling wider than she could possibly believe normal, and it didn’t seem fair. How could someone still smile so brightly when Kaneki was gone?

She felt her guts churn in jealousy and hatred.

“This is Kaneki Touka,” Nishio said, sensing Touka’s discomfort. The man froze. “She’s searching for a friend of his brother.”

“A friend?” the boy asked, giving her a crooked smile. He seemed nervous, and Touka gave him a pointed look.

“Yes,” she answered, holding the book closer to her body. “He left them a letter, and I was hoping to deliver it-”

“Who?” the boy asked, interrupting Touka. Startled, she raised her head and saw the boy giving him a really strained smile. “Who…is the one he’s sending it to?”

“There’s just a name,” she confessed, showing the letter to him. Her palms were sweaty. “It says ‘Hide’.”

The man smiled, but Touka saw the strain in the corner of his lips. It was the kind of strain she was all too familiar with, for she had done it for all her life. Towards her aunt, towards her uncle, towards her teachers and friends. The only one with whom she didn’t need to smile that way, was with Kaneki. With him, she could laugh and get angry, without the fear of being shamed.

“Nagachika Hideyoshi,” the boy said, presenting her his hand. Touka stared, and gently took her. The strained smile on Hideyoshi’s face became bigger. “Kaneki called me Hide. You can too if you want.”  

Touka didn’t even notice when the tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"Yo, Touka," he said, and tears formed in his eyes. The smile still shining like the sun before her. "Ple-...Please to meet y-you!" 

Just like pearls, the tear drops in his eyes fell to Touka's hand. 


	2. Sender

_‘This is your new sister,’ the woman said. Her aunt, Touka reminded herself._

_Touka stared before her to a boy the same height as her, staring with wide dark eyes. ‘Say hi, Ken.’_

_‘Hello,’ he said, stretching out his hand._

_He had a warm smile on his face, and Touka didn’t like that. Why did he dare to smile when she had just lost everything? She refused to take his hand and glared instead._

_‘Don’t touch me,’ she had said, narrowing her eyes at the boy._

_His smile faltered and felt like she had won a battle._

_‘Even she hates you,’ the voice of the woman tore across the house, startling Touka. ‘You are a useless boy, after all, Ken.’_

_‘Sorry,’ the boy said, looking at his feet when Touka returned her gaze to him. ‘I’m sorry.’_

_He was shaking. He was crying._

_‘You’re annoying,’ she told him when they were left alone._

_‘I’m sorry,’ he said again._

_‘Stop apologizing,’ she felt anger bubble up her throat. ‘And stop crying!’_

_‘I can’t help it,’ he said. Slowly, he raised his head to see Touka in the eye. ‘Sorry.’_

_‘I told you to stop apologizing,’ she said again, this time hitting him in the shoulder. She had made sure it was not hard, but the boy still flinched away from her touch._

_‘You also hate me, Touka?’ he asked, raising his head to meet her eyes._

_‘Yes,’ she answered without missing a beat._

_Kaneki’s gaze dropped._

_‘But,’ Touka said, stepping to the side. ‘I hate auntie more.’_

_Which wasn’t much._

_It’s not like she wasn’t trying to console him._

_It was true. She hated the woman so much more._

_She hadn’t expected for Kaneki to give her the widest smile she had seen the boy muster._

_‘Thank you, Touka,’ he said, wiping away the tears in his face._

_‘You’re annoying,’ she simply said, hiding her face in her sweater._

_The air was cold, and she wished she could wear warmer clothes._

* * *

Touka hid her face in her scarf, inhaling the soft smell of laundry detergent she loved. It was a cheap one, but it was the same one Kaneki had used. Even if just a little, it seemed like she could carry a part of her brother with her.

She glanced at the mess she had left Kaneki’s room in.

“Sorry,” she said to Nagachika, as she stepped inside to clean up. “I had a little outburst.”

The first thing she did was to pick up the bookshelf. The books were scattered on the floor, but little by little she could fix it.

“Ah, that one doesn’t go there,” Nagachika said, and took the book from her hands. “It’s Kaneki’s favorite, so it’s always on the middle shelf, so he can grab it.”

Touka felt her entire body stiff.

“That’s not Kaneki’s favorite book,” she said. She couldn’t even glare, or complain, or anything. “His favorite book is this one.”

She pointed towards the red book in her hands. It was big and sturdy, warm to the touch. It felt big and heavy, and familiar. The one Hide was holding was everything but. Small, a black cover, paperback.

“That old thing?” he said, tilting his head to the side.

“Old!?” she yelled, pushing Hide to the side. She was furious. Everything inside of her was bubbling up. “This is his favorite book!”

“Ah, sorry,” Hide said, backing off. “I guess I mixed them up…”

Touka glared.

The guy was obviously giving her the word, despite him not agreeing. She wasn’t sure which made her angrier.

“Whatever,” she spat the words, turning around. She clenched her hands around the book, unable to bring herself to let it go. This was Kaneki’s favorite book. She had told her so. “What was your relationship with my brother?”

“Oh we were just friends,” he said, as he continued to place the books on the shelves. Touka frowned.

“Just friends?” that didn’t seem right. The way Hide's eyes had watered in the room, and how fondly he spoke of Kaneki seemed...Odd. “I found the letter in his favorite book. I don’t think you were just friends.”

“You got me,” the boy laughed, as he turned to see her. He was giving her a torn smile, bright like a fireplace in winter. “He was my best friend.”

“So, you knew him well?” she asked, just for good measure. Her eyes wandering, trying to find for something that pointed to him lying.

“You could say so, yeah,” he answered. He had finally arranged the books. Touka was not sure what they had looked before she threw the bookshelf, but the way they were arranged did resemble one Kaneki would. “Why?”

“I’m-” she said, finally. Her eyes dropped to the floor, and the grip on the book loosened. All energy suddenly left her. “-trying to find out…What happened to my brother.”

The silence in the room felt heavy against Touka’s ears. Her heart beat faster, wondering if she was doing the right thing.

“What do you mean?” Hide asked, and he she heard the rumble of the pencils being picked up.

“I want to know why,” she said, turning back to see Hide. He wasn’t smiling. He simply stared at the scattered clothes Touka had tossed in her fit of despair. “I can’t accept the fact he’s just-…gone. Like nothing.”

“Sometimes, people just do that,” Hide said, hiding his face in the corner of the room, where a bottle of Kaneki’s medicine stood. “People go, and we have no way of knowing why.”

“Not him,” Touka said, gripping the red book in her hands. The corner of her eyes started to prickle, and she had to bite down her lip to prevent the tears from falling. “H-He…He’s not allowed …to, leave. He promised-d.”

Stop it, she cursed to herself. Don’t you dare cry.

This was not the time.

And yet…

Here she was, gripping the book like a little girl, too scared it would disappear, holding back the tears, as she stood before her brother’s bed. A strangled sob managed to rip its way through her throat.

The footsteps from Nagachika echoed in the small room, as he got nearer. She hid her face in the book cover, the feeling of an object in her hand managing to calm her down.

“He was always an idiot,” Nagchika said.

Touka looked up. The words felt familiar. Like something she would say.

Before she could stop the words, she said, “yeah. The biggest idiot of all.”

Nagachika gave her another smile.

“He couldn’t even put on his sweater properly,” he said.

The image of Kaneki burned into her mind.

‘You have your sweater backward,’ she would say. He always blushed, hurrying to take it off.

A strange feeling bubbled in the pit of her stomach. A smile crept across her face. And before she knew it, she was laughing.

A laugh directly from the pit of her stomach, as she remembered Kaneki’s embarrassed self as he wore the wrong sweater. The image of him wearing a dyed pink one after she had accidentally mixed their clothes.

“He wou-! haha…He-He was!” she wheezed out, trying to hide her laughter behind her hand. “He messed up so bad!”

Nagchika also laughed beside her. A softer, quieter laughter. But one she couldn’t wipe away from her memory.

“I know!” he exclaimed and sat down in Kaneki’s bed. Touka did too. “And his bookworm style!”

“It was so lame!” she laughed again. “I don’t know how he managed to get such a hot date, with that style.”

“Ah,” the tone in Nagachika’s voice dropped. “The one with the crazy hair dye?”

“You’re one to talk,” she said. Her voice was calmer. She wiped away the tears from the corner of her eyes. Jokingly, she punched him in the arm. Unlike Kaneki, he didn’t flinch away. “What happened to her?”

“Nothing,” he said. His tone clear that he didn’t want to talk about it. He was playing with his fingers, as he stared at the floor. “She was a bitch.”

“Guessed so,” she said.

Without missing a single beat, she let her weight drop backward, falling to Kaneki’s bed. It was cold.

It had never been cold before.

“That shut in always did his homework here,” she said out loud. More wondering, hopeful. Of what? Even she wasn’t sure.

“Yeah, we always did homework here,” Nagachika said.

A question popped into Touka’s mind.

“How long have you known each other?”

Hide hummed, and began counting with his fingers. From the sheets of the bed, she could see Hide’s back. It was wide and colorful. But something about it seemed so sad.

Lonely even.

“Three years?” he wondered out loud, letting the digits fall in between his legs. He turned, giving Touka a sheepish grin. “I wasn’t the best at math. That was Kaneki’s thing.”

“Yeah,” Touka said, gripping the sheets in her hands. A pained look to took her face. Three years? How come she never met Hide then? “He used to help me with calculus too.”

“I could help you,” he said, looking at the ceiling. It was stained. “I’m not Kaneki but I know a bit.”

“I never needed help with calculus, to be honest,” Touka confessed. Her gaze followed the stains in the ceiling. If she let her imagination run wild and squinted, it almost looked like a flower. A weird gross flower. “But Kaneki always offered to help.”

“Really? He said you were really bad at it,” Hide said, his voice so wishful even Touka could feel it.

“Really?” Touka wanted to be mad. But what was she going to do? Kaneki wasn’t there to yell to. Or glare. Or…

Touka got up, resting her head against the headboard.

“Did he say anything else?” she asked, giving Hide a look full of pain.

“What?” Hide asked.

He seemed to be as lost in thought as her.

She didn’t care.

Couldn’t care.

“Did he say anything else…about me?” she asked again. This time her voice softer. “Anything?”

“Oh, what did Kaneki not say?” Hide said, his eyes closing as if by doing so the memories could stay fresh. “He loved to talk about his little sister. ‘Oh, Touka didn’t know how to solve this’, ‘Listen, Touka just learned this new piano song, isn’t it amazing?’, ‘Hey, Hide, look at this picture she sent me, isn’t she cute?’. I often had to stop him from talking.”

Touka felt her face boil, Part of it was the flushing of her cheeks.

The other part was the burn of the tears in her eyes. They felt like lava, fresh out of her lachrymal.

“He really said so?” her voice had never been so small. So weak. So lost.

Hide nodded.

“He really loved you Touka,” he said.

“Then why did he never tell me?” she asked.

The silence seeped in through the walls, as they stared at each other. Hide didn’t seem affected, he remained calm, staring at the ceiling. Touka wasn’t doing as well. Her whole-body trembling in something she was unsure if it was rage or despair. 

Hide spoke. “Sometimes, it’s a bit difficult, you know? Telling someone you love them, I mean.”

“I’m his sister,” she refuted. She wanted to cry, to scream, burn the world down. She wanted so badly to have Kaneki by her side, so she could yell at him.

“Kaneki was in a-ah…um, difficult situation,” Hide explained, his finger began moving against his best intentions. They were nervously tugging the chord of his sweater.

“What kind of situation?” Touka asked.

Hide shook his head, lips tightly pressed together.

Touka made the fist and clenched her teeth.

“Why?” she asked. Not really towards Hiding, but more to the sky. To a deity. To a God. To whoever could answer her question. But she wasn’t sure she could believe in those anymore. The tears began dripping from her eyes. In an attempt to control them, she rubbed her eyes as hard as she could with her fist. “Why did he leave?”

“He loved you,” Hide repeated.

“Not helping,” she said. Her voice came out strained, trying not to start crying again.

“He always said you were pretty,” Hide said. Touka took her hands away from her eyes and stared. Hide was smiling at her.

“You’re lying,” she said.

“Nope,” Hide answered. “He always liked the way you would do your hair. And your sweater. And the way you still drew stars in everything you wore-”

“That one’s not true,” she said, probably a bit too quickly. Hide grinned and she blushed. “I haven’t done it in a long time.”

“Sure,” he said, staring at Touka’s jeans. With a silent gaze, so did Touka. She blushed when she realized the stars were also drawn there. “He thought It was cute.”

“What a nerd,” she said, letting out a sigh. A smile crept up her face.

“You meant the world to him,” Hide said. “He loved it when you learned to play this song on the piano…What was it called? Something about the snow…”

Touka recalled that one.

“Eternal Snow,” she said.

“That one!” he continued. “He kept bragging about it to me for a whole week!”

“It wasn’t even that good,” Touka confessed, she brought her knees to her chest. “I’m not sure why he liked it.”

“He had every song you played on his phone,” Hide said. “And always drank coffee.”

“His coffee was the worst,” she said, a small laugh escaping her lips.

“Yeah, but he tried to make it taste good,” Hide shrugged. “He knew how much you loved to drink hot coffee in the morning.”

“He liked to experiment with me,” Touka said, grimacing.

Hide laughed.

“No, he liked to experiment with me,” he said, pointing towards himself. “You got the best out of all those. I was the one who had to drink the brown water with sugar.”

“I’ll consider myself lucky, then,” she said.

Both stared at each other and then laughed.

“I still have the letter you know?” he said, reaching for his bag.

“Letters?” she asked, looking over his shoulder.

“When he had free time, the sap liked to write letters,” he said, reaching for a notebook. It was torn around the edges, full of papers, and smelt like coffee. “I never answered them back, I was too lazy. But he wrote a lot of things.”

Hide handed her the notebook. It was considerably smaller than the book she had been carrying around, but to her surprise, it was more or less the same weight.

She opened it and the first thing she saw was a letter, very much like the one she had inside the book. With hesitant fingers, she reached for it. The back part of the envelope had a single, ‘To Hide’ written on the back.

“Can I?” she asked, turning to give Hide a little glance. Hide simply nodded.

It wasn’t sealed like the one she had, so it was easy to open. There was a three pages long letter with really small words.

Touka was impressed but not surprised.

“He wrote all of this?” she asked, scanning the letter.

“Every single word,” Hide answered. He was smiling.

Touka’s eyes went back to the letter and felt her face melt into a smile.

_‘To Hide,_

_I once read a blue rose was a sign of a miracle and to this day I wonder what it looks like. A blue rose, with petals like the frozen ice from the pole, each one shinier than the later. With droplets of water running down its steam, it dances with the reflected light to create the most beautiful of scenes. I always wish to reach out for it, in the middle of the sunlit garden, where the sun always shines, and the rainbow doesn’t go away…’_

_Touka let out a laugh. You can always count on Kaneki for making something as simple as a blue rose a whole spectacle. He ranted about the beauty of these flowers for at least two pages and a half, making Touka wonder what was so beautiful about the plant._

_The last bit of the letter was actually directed to Hide._

_‘Thanks for being here. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if you weren’t. You and Touka are the only reason why I feel like breathing every day. I wish for us to one day live together, far away from this place. I hope it’s not a lot to ask._

_Sincerely, Ken.’_

Touka reached for another letter, and suddenly felt a wave of relief. This was her brother. Writing to someone about whatever and nothing.

“There’s nothing personal in any of them, I think,” Hide said, standing up. “I’ll go to the living room for something to eat, you can stay here and read them.”

Touka nodded and reached out for another letter.

In this one, he talked about rainbows. Something about God, something about a garden, something about the beauty of colors.

At the end of the letter, there was another fragment directed to Hide.

_‘I feel like I can do this. For the first time, I finally feel like I can gather up the courage and make a stand on my own. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but you make things a little less scary, Hide. It’s still scary, of course. Yet, if you walk this road down with me, I have the feeling I can do it._

Sincerely, Ken.’

This was her brother, she assured herself.

Many of the letters had little to say about Kaneki’s overall situation. Some talked about books, some talked about a random event Kaneki had witnessed, some other were simple objects Kaneki found fascinating.

The only parts that she bothered to read though, were the last bits of every letter.

The ones directed to Hide.

“He’s a dork,” she said when Hide came back into the room. “He really liked you.”

Hide gave her a smile. Not really bright, not really wide. It was strained, as he carried the chips he had brought along with two bottles of water.

“Yeah,” was everything he said, handing the bottle to Touka. His eyes fell on the letters, and small droplets of tears formed in the corner of his eyes. The smile became even more strained. “Yeah…”

Touka held the bottle in her hands. It was slightly warm, which her throat was silently grateful for. Hide sat down on the bed again, eyes falling to the letters that Touka held in her hands.

“You can keep them,” he said, his voice falling. Touka raised her head, startled by this. Hide was smiling. “I-I don’t really…Feel like reading them again.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, she saw them on her lap and wondered if it was alright. “They are yours. He wrote them for-”

“It’s okay, really,” Hide assured her, a forced laugh in his throat. “I don’t think it does me any good to read them again.”

Touka smiled and brought the letters closer to her chest. They were letters written by her brother. This was the last thing she could have of him. A small talk with him, even if she could never really answer him.

“Thank you,” she breathed out. "Thank you."

* * *

 

_'You're a bitch!' her aunt yelled, raising her hand._

_Touka stood there, without backing away. She was not going to apologize for something she hadn't done. She hadn't broken the vase, she hadn't insulted aunt. She was not at fault._

_But she was ten, and she was scared. Her trembling fingers gripped the hem of her shirt, preparing herself for a hit she knew was going to hurt._

_Why did they do this to her?_

_Out of fear, she closed her eyes before the strike hit her cheek._

_'Slap'._

_But she didn't feel a thing._

_Slowly, she opened her eyes, staring at the brought back and black hair standing before her._

_'Brother,' she said, out of breath._

_'You want to take her hits, don't you?' Aunt repeated. Touka wanted to yell at her to stop, but she was paralyzed. Couldn't move, couldn't feel._

_Kaneki didn't answer. Touka didn't move._

_Aunt kept hitting him._

_Never once did Kaneki scream, but he doubled in pain when the grown woman hit him with her knee._

_You're a monster! Touka wanted to scream. But her voice was lost, her eyes fixated on her brother, barely moving an inch._

_After her aunt was done, she left._

_Touka's whole body was shaking but managed to move._

_'Brother,' she called and touched Kaneki's shoulder._

_She heard hiccups and then had a boy hugging her little figure._

_'I'm so sorry,' he said, in between ragged breaths. Touka stared at the wall. 'She was going to hurt you. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything else.'_

_He continued to cry on Touka's arms._

_Slowly, Touka let her arms fall on her bother's shoulders._

_'Stop crying,' she said. Her usual bite was gone. 'Idiot. There's no reason to cry, I'm fine.'_

_She was also crying, but Kaneki didn't say a thing._

_He also didn't say anything when Touka reached for his hand._

_She choked back a sob and squeezed his hand tightly._

_'You're so annoying,' she sobbed in his shoulder. Kaneki hugged her back._

_'I won't let go,' he said, holding her hand. 'I won't let go, Touka. I'm here.'_

_I'm here._

_"Kaneki, you liar."_


	3. Dear You

Something wasn’t right.

Touka stared at the letters all scattered around her room.

She had stayed up all night reading and searching, any clue she could find.

But she found nothing.

No.

She found something.

“This has to be wrong,” she said to herself, picking up the letters.

She shifted across the messages. Only the last few of each paper.

They read:

[ Thank you ]

[ I feel better ]

[ Thanks for being here ]

[ Maybe I can do this ]

[ I have never felt this happy before ]

[ It’s the first time I’ve seen a blue sky ]

“Why,” she asked. Her eyes scanning the lines, in search for a single word. A single piece.

But there was none.

A single thought floated across her mind.

‘Hide is lying.’

The corner of the last letter read twenty fourth of September.

Of the last year.

“This can’t be all,” she told herself. “This can’t be…”

“Touka!” her aunt’s voice resonated across the halls.

Her blood boiled, memories flashing across her mind.

“What?!” she yelled back.

“Don’t raise your voice young lady,” the woman scolded.

Touka stood up, watching as the woman got inside of her room. Clenching her fists, she glared.

“Or what!?” she yelled back. “You won’t let me go to Tokyo to see Ken!? Oh, wait!”

“Stop being this childish,” the woman said. Her voice was calm, unwavering. It infuriated Touka.

Touka didn’t even bother to answer back to her. Without sparing another glance, she reached out for her scarf, and the letters that Hide had given her.

“Answer me!” her aunt shouted.

Touka didn’t answer. Her arms stretched towards her handbag, but the bony hand of her aunt grabbed hers.

“Touka!” she screamed again. Touka looked up at her aunt’s eyes. They were red and filled with tears. “Don’t leave me.

_‘Aunt, please stop!’ Kaneki shouted inside of Touka’s head. It was a tiny voice. The voice of a lost boy, who didn’t have anyone else who to turn to._

_And instead of kind words, a voice full of spite spat back-_

“Leave.” Touka yanked her hand back. “Me.” She pushed her aunt to the wall. “Alone!” she barked.

“Touka,” the woman tried to call again, stepping to close off the path to the door.

“Move.” Touka glared. Her face felt numb, her teeth clenched and eyes burning.

“You are my little girl…” she pleaded.

_‘She likes you better than me,’ Kaneki used to say. They sat in the bathroom, tending his wounds, cuts, and bruises, made from that grotesque woman. ‘She might treat you better if you play nice.’_

_‘I don’t want to play nice,’ she answered. The yellow and blue bruises that ran across Kaneki’s body made Touka shudder. ‘She’s a bitch.’_

_‘Language, Touka,’ Kaneki scolded, but his tone was light, not really angry. Touka chuckled._

_‘Yeah, she’s worse than that,’ Touka said and spread the medicine on the bruises. Kaneki winced. ‘Stop being a baby.’_

_‘I mean it, Touka,’ he replied. ‘She’ll treat you right if you play along…I don’t want you to end up like…-this.’_

_‘There’s nothing wrong with …-this,’ she signaled his body._

_‘Do it for me, then,’ Kaneki begged. ‘So, you can be safe, while I try to figure out how to get out.’_

_‘You’re an idiot,’ she answered._

“I’m tired of being your little doll,” Touka snarled. “I’m not keeping quiet anymore!”

Her aunt was frozen.

“I’m not yours!”

She pushed her aunt to the side and ran.

Ran until the cold air froze up her tears in her cheeks and her legs burnt.

She ran until she could hope she would forget. And even then, she ran harder, so she wouldn’t forget him.

* * *

 

_‘What’s this?’ Touka asked._

_‘It’s a scarf,’ Kaneki explained. They were sitting in the park, the kids running across the field._

_‘I can see that,’ Touka raised an eyebrow. ‘But it’s July, Kaneki.’_

_‘I know,’ Kaneki answered._

_‘Then why are you giving me a scarf in summer?’ Touka asked, her patient beginning to run low._

_Instead of answering, Kaneki draped the scarf around her neck._

_‘It’s hot,’ she said, a glare in her eyes._

_‘It’s July first,’ Kaneki gave her his answer, as his eyes fixated on the way the cloth hung of her neck._

_‘Yeah,’ she said, her mind connecting the dots._

_‘Your birthday,’ he said._

_Slowly, he raised his head, so their eyes met. Touka could never forget the way Kaneki looked at her. No one had ever before looked at her with such kindness. No trace of pity in his eyes, no trace of sympathy. Pure, unaltered love. The one coming from a family. A true family. She felt her heart race and face heat up. Different from when she saw Yoko across the halls, different from the way she had felt when her mother was still around._

_Kaneki was something special to her. Something she could never quite put into words. More than family, more than a friend, more than a lover…_

_‘Thanks,’ she said. She reached for the hem of her shirt to hide her face in but stopped midtrack. The scarf was there. Instead, she hid her face in the scarf. It smelt like books and coffee. Like Kaneki. ‘Brother.’_

_‘I’m glad you like it,’ he said, smiling. ‘It’s too early, I know but…if I waited for Christmas you wouldn’t have worn it in autumn so…’_

_‘It’s perfect,’ she answered. Her eyes shone as she stared at the scarf in her fingers. ‘It really is.’_

_They sat in the park until the sun began to hide. Neither wanted to go back to their home. Nothing but yells and pain awaited there._

_Touka held Kaneki’s hand and watched the kids run._

_‘Someday,’ Touka said, squeezing his hand tightly. ‘I’ll live in a nice apartment, with someone who will love me, and we’ll raise a kid. He’ll be happier than I ever was as a kid.’_

_Kaneki stared._

_‘What about you, Kaneki?’ Touka asked._

_‘I don’t know,’ he wondered. ‘I mean, what if I end up hurting him too?’_

_‘You could never hurt a fly,’ Touka said, a smile on her lips._

_Kaneki didn’t smile. He just pressed his lips tighter together._

_‘What about the apartment?’ Touka asked. ‘With someone you love?’_

_Kaneki’s eyes softened._

_‘An apartment sounds nice,’ he confessed. But then laughed. ‘Although I don’t think someone might like to share an apartment with me.’_

_Touka wanted to say that she would. She would share an apartment with him. And if she wanted to, someone else might too. That he wasn’t alone. That he could find someone. And even if he didn’t, Touka would always be there._

_‘Idiot,’ was all she said instead._

_She hid her face in her scarf, inhaling the sweet smell of used books and coffee._

* * *

She stood in front of Kaneki’s apartment. The old landlord told them that his things had to be removed by the end of the month but Touka couldn’t bring herself to move a single thing. It all felt frozen in time. Like Kaneki could actually return. That he hadn’t jumped off a building, holding a stupid suicide letter with three words scribbled that read [ Take Care Touka ].

The door wasn’t locked, she realized when she tried to push it open.

“Nagachika,” the name spilled from her mouth the instant he met with his eyes. A small ball of bile stuck in her throat, as he saw him kneeling beside her brother’s bed. “I was hoping to speak to you.”

“Ah, Touka,” he greeted her with a smile, standing from his place. A smile, a smile. How dare he smile. “Did you read the letters?”

“I did,” she spat. She didn’t notice it when her feet moved since her eyes never left Nagchika’s until their faces were almost touching. Her teeth gritted in her mouth, and she saw red. With a ragged breath, she continued, “Every. Single. One. Of them.”

Nagachika was still smiling.

Touka wanted to punch him.

“He was a good writer, right?”

Punch him so hard.

“Touka?”

She wanted her brother back.

“This is not him!” she yelled.

She felt herself throw the punch yet it never connected. When she looked up, Nagachika was on the floor, looking startled at her words.

Touka felt the tears stream down her cheeks.

“You’re lying!” she shouted, her hands tightly made into a fist. “My brother was getting better! In all of his letters! ‘I’m doing fine’, ‘thank you for being here’, ‘things will get better right?’. He was getting better-!”

“-Touka,” Nagachika tried to say.

Touka didn’t listen.

“Why!?” she yelled. It broke her throat. As she spoke again, it wasn’t as loud as she wanted. It hurt to speak. “Why, if he was getting better…" Tears dripped to the floor. "...Why did he leave?”

“Sometimes…” Nagachika said, looking at the floor. “People just do that…they leave.”

“Not him,” she said, her ragged breaths making her hiccup. “He wasn’t supposed to leave. “

She slid down, dropped to her knees. She was crying again.

She was tired of crying.

“I want my brother back,” she said, and Hide reached out to her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, as she felt everything bubbling up inside of her crumble.

“I want him back too,” he said.

Touka could feel him hiccupping too. She couldn’t feel the tears though and wondered what was going inside of Hide’s head.

He obviously knew something.

But Touka was tired. And for the way that Hide clung to her… he must be as tired as she was. 

“I miss him,” she said, in a low voice.

“I miss him too,” Hide answered, his voice as broken as hers. “We were supposed to go this new restaurant today, you know?”

“Big Girl?” Touka asked. She remembered looking at the pamphlet a few weeks back. It was a hamburger place. “Kaneki loved hamburgers.”

“Yeah,” Hide chuckled and Touka allowed herself to smile. Just a bit. “Wanna come?”

“What?” she asked and pulled away slightly. “Why?”

Hide was smiling.

“Please?” he pleaded. It sounded a bit chid like coming from him, and it made Touka’s heart soften. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Something about those words tugged her heartstrings. Maybe it was the way he said it, so helpless and lost. Or maybe the way the words felt too familiar to ignore. Maybe it was…

Whatever it was.

“You pay,” she answered.

Hide smiled wider.

“Anything for the king’s princess,” he said.

* * *

_To Hide,_

_You know, there is this place I wanted to take Touka._

_Right around the corner of Anteiku, I think it was three blocks down... They sell the best coffee I have tried. Granted, maybe not as good as Touka’s but I don’t think anyone can compare to her homemade cappuccino. There’s also a flower shop and the roses are always in full bloom when I go sit down to read. The air around there smells so good it reminds me of her. She always used to complain about how her name was boring, but I thought it fit her. Don’t tell her that though, she might hit you._

_But maybe, just maybe, I could take her there. Once we all move in together, it should be nice. We might need to get a bigger apartment though! I had never been more excited about something in my life._

_All of us living together? It’s like a family. We never had the best family, so I’m glad you can be a part of it._

_Hide, how about we take Touka there?_

_I’m sure you’ll like the place. I’m sure Touka will like you._

_It sounds like a dream. That thought alone, of us three in the coffee shop, makes me want to live another day. So, I can take you both to that place._

_Let’s go there once this is all over,_

_Sincerely, Ken._

* * *

“I don’t think I can eat ever again,” Touka said, holding her hand over her mouth. “Those things were huge.”

Hide laughed beside her, holding the door open so they could get out of the place.

“I think I fell in love with this place,” he said walking down the street. “Man, I’m so happy I could eat here today!”

“You really are Kaneki’s soulmate,” Touka said with a bit of a surprise. “Kaneki was the only person I knew could eat so much.”

“You’d be surprised,” he said, staring at the sky. Bright stars illuminated it. “I left my things in Kaneki’s apartment…I should head back to pick them up.”

“Want me to come with you?” Touka asked.

“Nah, a young lady shouldn’t be out so late,” he said, waving his hand. “Want me to take you to the train station?”

“I think I can go alone,” she said and looked at her watch. “It’s late, so I should be going…See you tomorrow.”

“Bye!” he answered, and Touka walked down the street. After a few minutes, she realized something.

“The letters,” she said to herself. Kaneki’s letters to Hide. She had left them in Kaneki’s apartment. She glanced at her watch. “That bitch can wait.”

She turned around and began walking towards Kaneki’s apartment.

* * *

_To Hide:_

_The shop closed._

_I’m sorry._

_I won’t keep my promise._

_Sincerely, Ken._

* * *

“How weird,” Touka said out loud, as she opened the door to Kaneki’s place. Hide wasn’t there. His things were there too. “I arrived here before him?”

She reached for the letters, right where she had left them. As she shuffled through them, she sat down on the bed.

Paper being crumbled. She knew that sound.

She turned around and saw a letter in the bed.

[ To Kaneki Ken ]

Her whole body was dipped in cold ice water.

“Hide,” she just managed to say, before getting up. “Hide!”

She ran outside. From downstairs she heard the landlord yelling about the noise but she couldn’t care.

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he-?

_‘The rooftop,’ a voice called by her ear._

It sounded like Kaneki’s.

She ran upstairs. Bruises and scratches formed on her knees as she climbed violently, trying to reach the top as fast as she could.

She slammed the door open. Hide was there.

On the edge of the rooftop.

“Don’t leave!” she yelled.

He legs couldn’t take the weight of her body anymore. She dropped.

“Don’t leave,” she said again.

Hide didn’t move.

“Touka, please,” he pleaded.

“He left me already,” she said, the wind roared by her side and she felt cold in her bones. “I can’t lose another friend.”

“Please,” he begged. His eyes were unfocused, and Touka felt like reaching to a dead man. She probably was. “Don’t do this-”

“Don’t you dare jump!” Touka screamed. She wasn’t sure what she could do.

_‘Hide,’ a voice called by her ear. Was it the wind? Was it the dizziness? She wasn’t sure. The voice was scared, just like her, but it was so much kinder than she could ever be. It was nice, it was warm it was-_

“Kaneki,” she said out loud. Hide flinched. Touka smiled. “He wants you to stay. You’ll make him sad…”

“Kaneki is alone,” Hide said. “He needs me-”

“Hide, please,” Touka begged. Her legs were trembling, but she managed to gather the strength to get up. “Let’s go ho-”

“He’s not home,” Hide said. “Kaneki’s not home. Kaneki is…”

He was holding a letter in his hands.

It was the letter Touka had given him…

_‘Don’t let him jump,’ the voice came back. ‘He can’t…’_

“He won’t be happy,” Touka said, stepping forward. “He wants you to stay, to live…Don’t do this…”

“I can’t jump in front of you,” Hide said with a chuckle. “What kind of friend would I be then?”

“Come here,” she opened her arms as wide as she could. “Let’s go back to his room…Let’s go back, Hide.”

Hide stepped towards Touka. She felt her heart swell.

He hugged her, and everything was alright.

Hide sobbed on her shoulder, and the fell to the ground. Touka stared up at the sky, the letter Hide had written Kaneki crumbled in her hands.

It wasn’t a suicide letter.

It was a love letter.

* * *

 

[ theres a new restaurant opening next week!] 

[ we should totally go!!! ] 

{ a new restaurant?}

{ sure }

{ sounds nice}

[ isnt touka coming next week too tho?]

{ oh right}

[ u forgot ]

[ abt ur precious lil sister?] 

{ sorry}

{ I'm just a bit distracted}

[ how about we take touka there?! :D ]

[ I know she doesnt like those things but]

[ i reaaaaly want to meet her!]

{ i promise you'll meet next week }

{ let's take her there then, okay?}

[ deal! ]

{...}

{ and hide...}

{...}

[ kaneki?] 

{ never mind}

{ just dont tease touka a lot}

 

 


	4. Sincerely, Me

Hide sat against the wall, his whole body limb as he stared at the window by Kaneki’s bed. Touka sat right in front of him, unable to tear her gaze away from the boy. Something felt off about him. The way he had been smiling until just recently was vividly impregnated in her memory. Happiness, the sun, beauty…Like a sunflower, standing tall towards the sun.

But now…

His eyes were unfocused and his smile withered away like the sun had vanished from the sky after the night had fallen.

Touka didn’t dare to say a single word out loud.

The air thick with the scent of sickness and death. This was the last place Kaneki had visited before jumping off the rooftop. The place where Touka had found her letter. A grim atmosphere on itself surrounded it, but Touka had been too blind to see it. She, in some part of her twisted mind, felt like her dear brother was still alive. Somewhere. Anywhere.

She hadn’t been able to see just how much of a horrible place the room was. It was dark, smelled like humidity and, for some reason, the unfathomable feeling that something illegal had happened there.

Everything felt…

Wrong.

“He loved you,” Hide said. His voice raspy, barely above a whisper. He was holding his body with his hands, trembling from the cold, scrunching his eyes as tears began spilling. “He really loved you Touka…He was-”

Touka tried to find the words in her throat. The memories of Kaneki smiling at her, promising her everything would be alright.

Nothing was alright right now.

“Why,” she only said.

Suddenly the weight of the world dropped onto her.

Kaneki was gone.

She felt hollow and for the first time, in her life, she felt weak. Like she couldn’t keep going.

For the first time, she was too tired to keep fighting.

She just sat there, hoping Hide had the answers.

“He was sick,” he said. He nodded towards the corner of the room where pills sat on the table. Touka recognized them. “Depression. It didn’t help a lot. Sometimes I would have to drag him out of the bed. Send him good morning texts, force him to take his medicine…”

Hide told it like a dream. Not like a chore, or as if taking care of his friend was a hassle. The gleam of a broken shard shining with the sun reflected in his eyes.

Those were happy memories.

“He was getting better,” Touka said, memories in the letters Kaneki sent Hide. “He was…”

“I tried to help,” Hide continued. His own mind too muddy to comprehend the words in Touka’s mouth. “-I-I really did, I-I swe…swear, I tried to keep my promise,” his voice was quivering. Biting his bottom lip, tears spilling. For a second Touka saw a mirror in Hide. Her pain in his eyes, her rage, and anger in his fists…His long and lost in the words he said. “But-…”

‘Sometimes it’s just not enough,’ Touka completed inside of her head. She drew her legs closer to her chest and hid her head in them. She felt hot in shame for ever doubting Hide.

“He really wanted to live with you,” he continued. “But…He knew the expenses wouldn’t be enough and-…”

Something inside her mind clicked.

She wanted to cry but her eyes were dry and tired. There was no way she could keep crying when she had spent the last couple of days doing so.

The only thing she could do was listen, feeling her body shift temperatures and her inside going numb.

Kaneki had been worried about her. The letter came back to her mind, and everything felt like it had disappeared.

To his very last moment.

She had been thinking of her.

“Stupid,” he managed to say. The bite was there, but not quite. She was angry, yet she wasn’t sure if she was angry at Kaneki or herself. Or the world. Or…

“The world isn’t fair,” Hide said, taking the words right off Touka’s mouth. He was still sitting by the window, on Kaneki’s bed, staring at the sky, as if pleading to God, or whoever was listening, to give him back.

“You loved him too,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

Hide let out a low chuckle.

“More than anything in the world,” he said, closing his eyes.

He was as tired as much as Touka was. Probably even more. In a really deep part of herself, Touka was aware that she had not seen the full extent of Kaneki’s illness. She hadn’t seen him so tired he couldn’t get up from the bed, she hadn’t seen him shivering in the idea of being raped, she hadn’t seen him struggle to be alive, just for his efforts to vanish in a moment of weakness.

Hide surely had.

“Thank you,” she managed to say. Hide’s eyes followed her, but he was unable to move. Touka stared at him, probably her face was as unreadable as he was. “For being with him…when I couldn’t.”

Hide gave her the faintest of smiles.

“It was no problem at all,” he said.

Touka was sure it wasn’t.

* * *

‘Kaneki!’ Hide called, his voice lingering in the air, as they sat on the swings of the park. ‘Give me some!’

Kaneki was sitting on the other swing, holding a melon bread in his hands. Blinking, Kaneki gave him a frown.

‘No,’ he answered, biting the bread down. ‘You go buy yours.’

‘What?! Don’t be mean! Please!’ Hide pleaded, opening his mouth as wide as he could, trying to get him to give him some.

‘No,’ Kaneki answered, trying to hide away his grin.

‘Pretty please,’ Hide begged, ‘I’ll do anything!’

‘Anything?’ Kaneki asked, a soft grin spreading across his face. Hide gulped.

‘As long as it doesn’t hurt,’ he said, but his eyes were still glued to the bread. He was really hungry.

‘Then…’ Kaneki wondered, waving the bread in his hands. Suddenly a bright blush spread across his face, to his neck. Softly, he bit his lip, eyes wandering to the way Hide was closing his eyes, ready to bite the bread. ‘…you…should stay…’

‘Huh?’ Hide said, opening his eyes to stare at a red-faced Kaneki.

‘Stay,’ Kaneki said once again. ‘Don’t go.’

They stared at each other for a long time. Kaneki’s heart beat louder than the ringing bells from the nearby church, and Hide was staring at him wide-eyed.

The silence felt big. Bigger than them, filled with nothing more than their breaths and the feelings overwhelming their own bodies.

Finally, Hide laughed.

Kaneki felt his face grow hotter with each passing second Hide laughed.

‘Dude,’ he said, trying to control his breath once again. His eyes were on Kaneki, bright and wide, sincere like only Hide could be. ‘I will stay even if you don’t want me to! That’s what friends are for!’

Kaneki couldn’t control the laugh, pure and bright like the sun-like Hide-, escaping his lips. Hide followed it, and somehow everything felt right. Probably not fancy, or big. But it felt…Like everything was where it was supposed to be.

‘So,’ Hide said, staring at the bread.

Kaneki was sure his eyes were prickling with tears and his body couldn’t be happier.

‘You can have it,’ he said, giving Hide his bread.

The cold air felt like ambrosia being drunk from its source.

Happiness was an understatement for what they felt.

* * *

“He was my best friend,” Hide said, as Touka heard from the floor by Kaneki’s bed. She was hugging the red book she had thought was Kaneki’s favorite.

She wasn’t so sure now.

“He would talk to me about anything,” Hide confessed, body limp against the window. “And I loved him-” he chocked, “-I loved him so much…”

Touka knew. The way Hide talked about Kaneki…

She wished there was a way…anyway, for her to console Hide…But words were never her forte. Those had always been Kaneki’s thing.

“Do you think he’s happy?” Toukas asked, her voice small. It had never been so small. Even when she was a kid, her voice was big, because the world had thought her to be big. Only with Kaneki, she could be weak. Because Kaneki wouldn’t hurt her.

He wouldn’t let the world hurt her.

“He’d be happier if I were by his side,” Hide answered.

“He’d be sad,” Touka said in return. Her head resting slightly against the mattress.

“Just at the beginning,” Hide said, his eyes having lost any shine there had been before. “Then, he wouldn’t have to feel alone anymore.”

“He’d feel guilty,” Touka said, everything inside of her trying to keep Hide by her side. Not only because she needed someone else who to grieve with…But because it would be what Kaneki would want.

Hide didn’t answer. He was probably acutely aware of that too.

Touka hummed out a song, as the minutes ran by. Neither said anything to each other. Touka hummed a melody she knew far too well. And by the way Hide was humming it too, she guessed Kaneki had shown him the video of her piano recital.

“It’s a sad song,” Hide managed to say.

“It is,” Touka agreed, a small smile creeping up her face. Faint, barely there. But there. “ _I miss you- every time I think of you…Tonight, too, I hold this half-finished muffler, all alone…”_

“I don’t think I can keep going,” Hide confessed. His voice trembled with every word he said. Touka reached out to hold his hand on the bed and felt his cold fingertips warm up to her touch.

“You can,” she said. “You can…”

She closed her eyes, the cold feeling of Hide’s fingers in hers.

‘ _Where are you now, what are you doing? Are you in this endless sky?’_

For the first time, she realized that she had lost the things that filled her heart. She squeezed tighter but did not feel Hide’s grip tighten. She opened her eyes and she was in an empty room.

“Hide?” she asked out loud.

She hadn’t fallen asleep. One moment he was there. And the other, he wasn’t.

In the bed, there was a book.

‘ _This is his favorite book,_ ’ Hide said in his memories. The red one was forgotten in some part of the apartment.

She reached for it with hesitant hands.

It was a tragedy, great shock.

Black, small, but signed by the author. Was this really his favorite book?

She opened the pages, reading the first paragraph. It was highlighted.

‘The true irony of the human beings is that they tend to harm others the more they seek for affection. And by doing so, they hurt themselves more than anyone else. The phrase, ‘others can’t forgive you, but you can forgive yourself,’ is not true. Most of the time is harder for you to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others.’

“What a downer,” Touka said. But yet, she smiled. Yeah, this was the kind of book Kaneki would love.

She flipped through the pages, marveled at the various colors in which the text was highlighted. Notes scribbled on the margins and sticky notes floating across them.

It was definitely Kaneki’s favorite.

A piece of paper fell down to the ground. It floated across the bed, gracefully falling on the spot Hide had been sitting on.

Her eyes went wide when she saw the words scribbled on top of it.

It was a letter.

[ To: Touka ]

Her heart began beating faster than she could breathe. Her whole body was trembling.

‘He cared,’ the voice inside of her screamed. ‘He cared about us!’

It was white, pure white. A bit bent on the edges but aside from that, neat lines spelled her name.

She opened it, trying to breathe.

[ Dear Touka,

If you’re doing this, it’s because you are finally calm. I didn’t want to leave a detailed letter for you to read when you were still in denial. If you’re reading this is because you saw this while you were already cleaning the apartment.

There are many things I needed to tell you but.

You’d probably call me stupid.

It’s been a year since I last felt warm. It’s been a year since I lost, more than a friend, I lost my soulmate.

This sickness was never something easy, you know? Sometimes you don’t want to wake up, sometimes you feel sad, and sometimes you don’t feel anything at all.

I was able to move forward because I had you, and I had Hide. I could picture our future already. All together, adopting a cat, maybe a dog…But I guess that won’t ever become real.

I know we were supposed to move in together this year…But it’s not easy to live with someone like me. Someone who struggles to get up, who struggles to stand up on their own. And now that Hide’s gone…I couldn’t even give him the letter before he died.

I could not possibly burden you with such a useless older brother.

I have savings on my account, so you can continue your studies.

Believe me, life will be much easier without me. Granted, I’m also a bit selfish. I wanted to hurry up and see Hide already…It would have been nice for you two to meet.

Sincerely,

Your older brother, Kaneki Ken. ]

“Kaneki,” Touka sobbed, her throat feeling as if it were torn in half. “Kaneki…”

Stupid Kaneki. Stupid Hide.

They should have stayed with her.

* * *

Touka reached for her scarf and brought it to her nose. The smell of laundry overwhelmed her. It smelt like coffee and faintly of her laundry.

She watched the first snow of the year fall, as the last bit of Kaneki’s belongings were taken care of. Most of them, she sold them. Things like clothes, some books, and personal belongings, so she could afford to rent a small apartment near the same coffee shop Kaneki had worked in. The manager had been kind enough to let Touka work there part-time, while she arranged things of her new life.

“ _Hold me tight, tight enough to break me,”_ Touka began singing to the snow. Her breath came out in puffs of white, as the cold air hit her face. “S _o that even in an icy wind or a blizzard…I won't feel cold…”_

She stared at the way the snow fell from the sky. The sky…endless and eternal. Like the snow that fell from it. Touka felt cold and no matter how bright the sun shone, no one would ever be able to clear her heart from the eternal snow that she felt in Kaneki’s absence.

But even if it was snowing so hard nothing could grow, she would push forward. Keep living, keep breathing. So, she could make her brother proud, who was definitely watching her from the sky. Along with his stupid angel of a boyfriend.

“Idiot,” she told the sky, sticking out her tongue. “You better take care of my brother.”

* * *

[ Dear Hide,

I love you.

I’m not sure if you feel the same way.

You can totally ignore this if you don’t.

But if you do.

Touka is moving here in a few years.

We could adopt a cat. Or a dog. Or both.

We could live together.

Like a family.

I mean, only if you want to of course.

 

Hide.

I love you.

I want to stay with you forever.

Sincerely,

Your best friend, Kaneki Ken]

* * *

[ Dear Touka,

I’m glad I could meet you.

Sincerely,

Hide.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be sincere I'm quite surprised I was able to finish this. I'm happy this is finally out of my system! I had wanted to write this since I first heard Dear Evan Hansen. More specifically 'For Forever'. Feel free to drop by in my tumblr at elopetothesea
> 
> This was a fun ride. So yeah, Hide's is also dead. He died in a traffic accident before Kaneki could confess his love. He wanted to meet Touka so he appeared as a ghost to her, before moving on to the afterlife with Kaneki. The reason why he was in the rooftop was to see if he could find Kaneki's ghost. Touka was way too scared, that's why Hide stayed longer with her.


End file.
